An 8-year-olds' Guide to Sex, Gender, and Sexual Orientation, or what I'm going to tell my daughter when she asks

JER: What does it mean to be a "man"?  What does it mean to be a "woman"?  What attributes do you associate with being "masculine", "feminine", or in between?  This topic is important to me personally, because I spent the majority of my life confused why I didn't relate to most other men (I discussed that here: "Not Transgender, but not Don Juan or Hulk Hogan either").

How do I create a space for my children to figure out what it means to be "girls", "women", "feminine", "masculine", in between, or something else?  After a lot of thought, this is the explanation I expect to give to my daughters when they ask about it (perhaps when they are around 8, who knows).

"Biological sex' is experienced by the majority of the population as what genitalia a person has at birth, where most males have a penis, most females have a vagina (like you), and there are some (a proportionally small number) who have something in between. Genitalia is one factor of five that typically helps doctors figure out what biological sex a person aligns with, people and doctors use genitalia to "determine sex" because it is external and visible, while the other factors are part of a persons' internal body, things called testicles and ovaries, genetic chromosomes, sex hormones, and reproductive systems (e.g. having a uterus is a female characteristic and having testicles is a male characteristic).

"Gender" is a social construct, meaning that in a culture the majority of individuals who are male or female typically act in certain roles, have certain viewpoints, and have certain common emotions/feelings about certain situations, objects, events, activities, sports, etc. This collection of experiences, roles, and emotions creates a "normative" or average idea of what is "masculine" - acceptable for males to do, to be, and to feel and what is "feminine" - acceptable for females to do, to be, and to feel. How you personally feel and identify will determine your "Gender Identity".  How you act, dress, behave, and interact will determine your "Gender Expression".

Over time these ideas, viewpoints, and feelings have changed. When my parents, your grandparents, were growing up it was part of each person's gender roles for men to go to work, and women to stay home and nurture the children. Now, there are a variety of circumstances, situations, and viewpoints. Your mother goes to work full-time and stays home when she is not working, and your dad goes to work full-time, and comes home to be with you while your mother is at work. You may feel like you identify with everything other girls think, feel, or want to do. But you may not. I grew up feeling confused because I didn't readily identify with what other boys thought or felt, although I felt drawn to science, work, and providing for our family. But growing up I usually identified with what other girls thought and felt. This was confusing to me for a long time, but over time I realized that society, the popular kids, the unpopular kids, or the majority doesn't have to define how you think and feel, decide what you have to do with your life, or what roles you have to play. There are many beautiful ways to think, to feel, and to be, but our choices end up having consequences. If you decide you want to have children, that will affect many aspects of your life, you may decide you want to stay home with them, or you may decide you want to work and pursue a career, but you will have to make decisions with consequences along the way. Your mother and I decided it would be important for both of us to share in raising you and working outside the home, because it offers us the opportunity to have empathy for each others' situation. We both know what it feels like to work for money to support us, and we both know what it is like to be the person at home alone with you trying to help teach, train, and experience the joy of living with you.

Finally, "biological sex" and "gender" ends up affecting how you interact with the world around you, what people you identify with, and what people you are drawn to.  For example, "sexual orientation" is a feeling of love and/or attraction for others, for many people, they feel a strong attraction for persons of the opposite sex/gender.  But that is not always the case.  You have several cousins and family friends who are attracted to people of the same gender/sex.  Some people are attracted to both sexes/genders.  Attraction is an imprecise thing that doesn't always make sense, and we don't really know what that means, there is a certain degree of "magic" that determines what we are attracted to.  My hope for you is that one day you will find another person you love very deeply, a person that completes you like your mother completes me.

Each of us in this life will have unique experiences, at times you may be the only one that has had the particular accumulation of mental/emotional/physical experiences, the particular family situation, your particular geographical/racial/economic status, and other viewpoints.  You are unique, but we can find peace and joy by reaching out and helping others.  I have found a lot of peace and fulfillment in trying to understand others - by showing compassion and empathy for other peoples' life experiences.

In the end, you will figure out what is best for you.  I'm not always sure what the best thing to do in every situation is, but I can sit here and listen to your experience and offer my love and support.